My Heart Cries

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Some Life Patterns Remain The Same

It’s happening again now.
Do I want to be this girl
Hey baby I love you
(But I’m secretly out fucking someone who’s name I won’t remember in the morning.)
I’m just in my hotel room honey
(There’s a naked girl in my bed waiting for me but I’ve slipped outside to shield you from the noise)


Can I believe the lies?
I’ll wait at home alone
Wondering and never trusting
I’ll suspect every girl who you avoid
Since I know so well how this game works

Thank you for making me this way.
Thank you for making me scared
Thank you for turning me into this girl
Thank you for breaking me down
Thank you for making me think I need you

When you don’t answer your phone
I know you aren’t alone.
I know this.
Yet here I am.
You’ve won
I won’t walk away.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Walk By.

I haven’t learned to let go.
I don’t realize you’re done
With me
I act like nothings wrong
But I know
There’s no coming through that door
Just to hold me anymore
No endless dreaming
Of our lives
Now it’s all just goodbyes
I saw you last night
You looked right through me
I tried to talk
You continued to walk
Like you didn’t see me standing
There.
Looking down
Hiding the tears.
Like I don’t care
That you hurt me
You always hurt me
Yet I can’t let go
I try
Believe me
But at night I cry.
Alone.
Since you left me.

Create

I live in a world of make belief.
I pretend you care about me
Think about me
Want me
When you really don’t give a shit
I’m just easy
So you keep me
For the lonely nights
When no one else is around
I get mad
But I always come crawling back
Craving more attention
Always thinking…
That one more time will make you need me
Miss me
Love me
It’s doesn’t
And it won’t
Yet I keep trying
Why?
I hate you
My heart can’t break you
But I’m broken
Everyday
I wait.
You’re never here
But you’re never gone
Because I create you.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Dream

Yesterday I fucking hated you. That was it. It was done. Today... I woke up with a smile, because I was dreaming of you. It was so real It took a minute to realize that it was just that. Only a dream. There's no you. Where are you? I don't even know. Somewhere. But not here. I close my eyes and can feel you. I don't want to wake up. I want to live in this moment. Of you not really being here but me wishing so badly that I could hold you, that it's almost true. I need you. Tomorrow... let's hope I'm back to fucking hating you. It's easier that way. I don't sit at home on a Saturday night... waiting. I don't cry over what could have been... I don't replay our fight.... I don't check my phone for missed calls.... I don't pretend I have you.... I live.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Broken

The fleeting moments which are so precious will ultimately be my greatest destruction. The smell of your skin, the sound of your voice.. I would give you up but its not my choice...there is somebody else you go home to every night and I'm stuck here waiting for you , hoping you two will fight. you've put me in a bad place, it's one where I can never win.. I'm forced to keep your secrets and live a life of sin. You've turned me into someone I never wanted to be, waiting in the shadows hoping you notice me. I could turn and walk away from this shady life, I could turn around and tell the one that you call your wife. But I won't and I don't. your secrets safe with me. I don't think you have realized how deep your drowning me. It's like I'm in an ocean and forgot how to swim. Will you pull me out or was I just a whim? I know to you im a pretty face, convient when I'm there. I wish I could realize you don't even really care. You've shattered my existence, torn my world apart. I wonder if you'll notice your footprints on my heart??? If I never came back you might miss me when I'm gone, but realistically you'd pick up and move along.

Walk Away

Was it easy for you to walk away? After whispering words of love? Holding me, becoming me, begging for more. Staring into my eyes, feeling every part of me, touching me, tasting me. Then it's over. I sigh... because now I know you'll leave. We slowly move apart, lost in our own thoughts, as the tv plays softly in the background. Neither of us are watching. Just thinking. You wonder how long you have to hold me. Will I cry when you go? I will. But you won't see. You'll never know what you're doing is affecting me. I believe your lies. Even though I know they're not true. I know tomorrow if I'm not there, it won't be me you're holding in bed. I tell you it's fine, that I'm not naive, yet I cry. Everyday I wait. For the phone. To Ring. For it to be you, telling me that all this time, it's only me you need. Instead of being what I actually am. Something to fill the void. Until you get home to her. Atleast you know, that you're my void too.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Ninja Burger

I fucking hate the fact that I am completely and utterly in heart with a married guy. Like to the point where I don't even care about his wife. I sit daily and wonder what I could possibly do to break them up. Is it a game? Are my feelings true? I'm so far gone that ofcourse I believe its all real. I know how are you with me, I know the moments we've shared. But then you go home at night. and sleep with your wife. I lie in bed alone... wondering if you're touching her the way you touch me. If when you wake up in the morning, and see her face, you smile because you're happy. Do you look at her, and love what you see. Does her smile make your heart melt. Your smile makes mine melt. I don't want to be the convience... the one settled for. I want you to close your eyes and see me. Dream of me, need me. My tears are real. You've corrupted my life. I'm no longer happy with what I have, don't look forward to what is to come, unless it's with you. Every moment you're gone, I feel myself getting smaller. Needing you. Craving you. You don't wear your ring. Does that mean something? You don't mention her. Or is because you know that it would hurt me to hear you say those words. "My Wife" What the hell. The saddest part of all, is that I would settle being the "other woman." I hate that I would lower myself to that. To be that. And be happy, because I'd atleast have a part of you. You would be with me, and we'd be happy, then you'd go home and fight with your wife.